Vai Kumar: 0:09

Welcome to Freshleaf Forever, a podcast that gives you fascinating insights week after week. Here's your host, Vaikumar.

Vai Kumar: 0:22

Hey folks, welcome to another episode of Freshleaf Forever. Today we have here with us Anne-Marie Chereso. She is a transformational coach, author, mystic, guide, teacher and facilitator on the path to awakening. Anne-marie believes in everyone finding their way home and, to quote her "every day, life challenges me to bring myself home, back to my truest self. Over the years, the most important lesson I've learned is to trust that still small voice within me about all. Anne-marie is also a book author and she has done several presentations with students in several different school settings. Today I am thrilled to welcome back Anne-Marie Chereso here to podcast Freshleaf Forever. Hi, anne-marie, how are you doing today? How is everything in Chicago?

AnnMarie Chereso: 1:26

Hi Vai. So good to see you. You know, it's a really beautiful sunny day here today, which is bonus at this time of year, and the leaves on the trees are so beautiful, so it's a really great day here today.

Vai Kumar: 1:38

Okay, I think we definitely could use this weather to talk about, you know, how we all process emotions and how we just overcome certain feelings that we may all feel. I mean, after all, we are approaching the fag end of the year and we are approaching Thanksgiving, so there's going to be so much conversations at the Thanksgiving table, so over dinner, and I think it's very important for us to just handle this scenario right now in terms of because, especially for our listeners here in the US, so much has happened in November and some are happy and some are on the opposite side of the spectrum. So I guess you know it's just very important for us to give listeners a good handle on how to process and overcome emotions. So why don't you just get us started in terms of how you think you know people, like from a 30,000 feet bird's eye overview, how should just people be able to process emotions?

AnnMarie Chereso: 2:46

Yeah, that's a really great inquiry. I love it. And first you said overcome and then you said process. And I really like using the word process, because our emotions, in my opinion, aren't here to be overcome, but they are here to be processed and got. What's the word I'm looking for, like get intimately involved with. And our emotions, I teach, are our teachers. They're here to inform us and guide us and educate us and for us to become much more intimately involved with ourselves. So I like to use our emotions as bookmarks, you know, like a bookmark, and I teach a process because so many of us are so disconnected from our emotions. So I teach a process to help us really get connected to our authentic emotions.

AnnMarie Chereso: 3:49

And I talk about emotions. I pare it down to five core emotions. So there's many, many emotions on the spectrum but, like the primary colors, you know, there's the primary emotions and they are anger, fear, joy, creativity or sexual feelings there's they're one in the same and sadness. So those are our core emotions and we use our body and our mind to connect to our heart, where emotions live, to become more attuned to, like what are the emotions that are here now and what are they here for? So the way that I think it's important, you know, we can be with our emotions from a triggered and reactive place and we can be in with our emotions from a highly intelligent place. So those five core emotions that I mentioned, we could be with those in either way. So I can be sad from a triggered and reactive state or I can be sad from a heart centered place, like a heartbreak place.

AnnMarie Chereso: 5:06

So that's the first thing I'd like to help people understand is to distinguish the difference Like, am I being with my emotions from this place of trigger and reactivity which a lot of us right now are oh yeah, so many of us.

AnnMarie Chereso: 5:21

Right, anger, there's a lot of anger right now and there's a lot of sadness, and there's a lot of us, right, anger, there's a lot of anger right now and there's a lot of sadness and there's a lot of fear. Right, and you and I both know that emotions are energies, they're frequencies, so there are lower vibrational emotions and then there are higher vibrational emotions. Now, in the positive psychology movement, everyone would have you just like flip to a positive, right? That's not actually the way human beings work. So if we don't do what you suggest, which is process what's here now then we get stuck in our emotions and then they become a mood. So, rather than allowing emotions to move through which usually takes about 90 seconds to let an organic emotion move through the body you can reference Jill Bolte-Taylor's work around that If we don't do that which we typically don't because we have been taught to suppress, depress, ignore and deny our emotions- oh, so many of us hold on to it, right.

AnnMarie Chereso: 6:25

Right. And then what happens? We hold on to it, it gets trapped in our body and we get sick and there's an energy block in the process.

Vai Kumar: 6:33

right, and there's an energy block.

AnnMarie Chereso: 6:35

All of that's happening. There's a spiritual component, there's an energetic component, there's a physical component, there's an emotional component. It has an impact on so many levels. So, yes, I couldn't agree with you more Like processing our emotions as human beings is one of the single most important things we can learn to do, and I emphasize learn to do, because maybe you were raised, you know, your upbringing taught you how to process your emotions, but 99% of us were not taught how to process our emotions. What did you learn about emotions growing up, vi?

Vai Kumar: 7:10

Well, I guess it's okay to express, was what I was always, you know, kind of encouraged to do, kind of okay to express us and not in like a reactive state, just like you know you were citing there in terms of you know how certain people process it. But I guess, to talk about it that way, you know, there can be an open channel of communication and that way, you know, there can be potentially, you know, some thoughts that would come from the family members and we would just talk it through. And that really helped me learn a lot, especially in terms of, you know, being empathetic, putting yourself in someone else's shoes always and seeing through, you know, not just see it from your own perspective. So I guess from a very young age on, I really got to learn that I had to see the other side as well, in terms of putting myself in someone else's shoes.

AnnMarie Chereso: 8:11

I love that and I do love the way that when you are in a non-reactive state with your emotions so, like I said, I think right now there's so much anger right In the world there's a lot of anger, there's a lot of fear, and when we're caught in the anger and fear, it's actually not possible to have an authentic, open conversation like you're talking about, because the mind and the body are trapped in the fear state. So, being able to process your anger, process the fear, so that you can have those kinds of conversations and share and listen empathetically, listen from the heart. So the reason we want to learn to process our emotions is because we want to get access to the intelligence of the heart. Right, that's where all the intelligence lives and that's where the most productive things happen. That's where we learn to connect with one another.

AnnMarie Chereso: 9:14

You and I both know we're in a really divisive world right now and connection is not happening and inside of that we're experiencing a lot of division. We're experiencing a lot of disconnection. We're experiencing a lot of division. We're experiencing a lot of disconnection. We're experiencing a lot of anger in the culture, race, wars, just lots of struggle, which is actually, you know, not necessarily where we want and need to be where we want and need to be.

Vai Kumar: 9:45

Oh yeah, I think that is so well said. So what then, could be some steps? Like you said, so much fear and anger, right and especially fear of the unknown. So there's so much of known fear, there's so much of unknown fear. So what would be the best modality out of say, when you deal with a situation like that, would that be, you know, like is letting go the solution? How would you suggest that people kind of you know?

AnnMarie Chereso: 10:26

how would you suggest that people kind of you know process that kind of an emotion. Yeah, one of the things I recommend is first, awareness. Right, we first need to be aware of our emotions. Often we're so busy running our lives that the emotions are running us and we're not even connected to what's happening or what's going on. So awareness is always key and it's going to be a unique process because emotions are going to show up differently for Vi and differently for Anne-Marie.

AnnMarie Chereso: 10:54

So I have to get inside my body and feel how does anger show up in my body? Because emotions I said it earlier, emotions are energies in motion in and on the body. So they're just an energy. And then we human beings have given them labels and names, right so, but these energies move through us and they're here to inform us. So if I can begin to get into relationship with, oh, anger, when it shows up in my body and I'll tell you how it shows up in my body, I I'll tell you how it shows up in my body. My jaw gets tight, my shoulders crunch up. Sometimes I'll notice my hands are in a fist, I could feel like constriction in my chest and and I you know like it's literally like I could feel like my head's about to explode. When anger is present, present as an energy in my body and I trap it right, I don't express it. That's how it feels.

AnnMarie Chereso: 11:51

So anger, for example. I give people the tool. I tell people to have a plastic bat around the house and we've had them. You know, my kids are older now, but when they were younger we had plastic bats under the sofas in the house and when someone got angry I would say go, take the bat and pound the anger out on the sofa or whatever. Move that energy. We set a timer, I'll give you a timer for 60 seconds and you just let that all out. Right? So what we're doing, like any animal? Right, because we're primal beings, we're moving the energy of that anger through us and then, once we've done that, we've created ourselves as open and available again. Now we're going to be in right relationship to what emotion wants to be here.

AnnMarie Chereso: 12:42

So, for instance, in some cases, anger underneath anger is often sadness that we don't feel permission or safe to express. Often more anger is there. So we wanna get beyond the reactivity to the intelligence of this emotion, because anger on the high side, on the intelligent side, says something needs to stop. Something is not of service. Now, anger on the low side, anger from reactivity is you know, I'm feeling an unreasonable threat. Maybe there is a threat, maybe there isn't a threat. I'm not really in right relationship to it. I'm at the effect of the emotion, I'm taken over by it. But when I get into right relationship to the anger, I'm realizing, oh, what's not of service? And then how can I use my power to create something new? Say no, something new, say no. So that's that's one way that I recommend people navigate big emotions like anger.

AnnMarie Chereso: 13:52

And we do this with kids all the time, because our kids are learning like what happens when our kids are feeling their feelings. Right, they're little, they're three, four or five years old. They feel angry and they throw their truck across the room and then. And then what do we do? We say stop that, don't do that, that's bad, that's wrong. And then the next time they want to do it, they're like well, I can't do that, I can't express myself because I'm going to be bad. So we want to give them an alternative that honors what they're feeling and then steer them in a direction where they can use it more effectively and honor their emotions, but one of the reasons kids have so many issues these days is because they don't have freedom or space to express themselves authentically.

Vai Kumar: 14:37

Yeah, and then there's social media, so that's just. You know, I'm not sure that it's helping them process certain things in the way that you and I got to process when we were children, right?

AnnMarie Chereso: 14:49

Now is our time.

Vai Kumar: 14:53

Also, like you gave people an alternative in terms of, okay, just channel it out in some form, in a meaningful form, not like going and hurting somebody else, not like, you know, passing something all the way through, but just channel your energy. You know that way you get to express it, come out of it Exactly, internally. Would you also tell yourself as an adult to kind of focus on what's in your control and let go of what's not in your control. Would that be you know something? Would that be like a great asset that you know, a great service you would be doing to yourself?

AnnMarie Chereso: 15:42

Because, especially when it comes to fear of the unknown, right, yes, yes, I mean, there's so much fear of the unknown right, and I think you've named it perfectly Let go of what you can't control. So guess what you can't control? Just about everything. We can't control the future. We can only control ourselves.

AnnMarie Chereso: 16:05

And I would argue that this whole idea of emotions we are running around trying to control our emotions all day long, particularly as adults, because we have been taught there is a right way to behave and there is a wrong way to behave, and you use your emotions like this and this emotion is good and this emotion is bad, and don't cry and don't do that, and you know there's all these right and wrong ways of being. So, in essence, we're trying to control our emotions and control the unknown all day long. So what you can control is the relationship you have to your emotions. So what we do, then, is what we befriend our emotions, we get into a friendly relationship with them and we allow them, we surrender to them. We don't want to let them go. Like you know, a lot of people are like you're sad, just let it go. Just let it go. And people confuse what it means to let go and to surrender. Right, there's two very different ways. So we don't want to let it go in like dismissing or denying or diminishing.

Vai Kumar: 17:15

Unattended. You don't want it unattended.

AnnMarie Chereso: 17:18

Yes, we want to attend to it with love, with kindness, with compassion. So for any mothers who listen in, I love to use this example. It's like when your child falls and gets hurt and they're you know, they're scraped their knee and they're bleeding. You don't just say now, get over it, You're fine. I mean, we know they're going to be fine, but we put them in our lap, we get them a bandaid, we say it's going to be okay. Honey, I know that hurt, I'm sorry.

AnnMarie Chereso: 17:48

So we treat our emotions the exact same way. When our sadness comes up, what we habitually do is like I'm sad. I'm sad, I don't know what to do. This is very scary. This is unknown. I don't know where it's going to take me If I let myself feel my sadness. I don't know what's going to happen. Right, that's the unknown.

AnnMarie Chereso: 18:06

But when we befriend it, we allow it to express itself without being afraid of it, without pushing it down, without resisting it. We just allow it to be here and hold space for it. This is the way we reparent ourselves, the way we stay in loving compassionate energy. This is the way we reparent ourselves, the way we stay in loving compassionate energy. This is the way we raise our frequency. So most of us have an emotion and then shut it down. But, like you suggested, when we surrender to them emotions, when we allow them, we are stepping into the unknown, because none of us know where our sadness is going to take us, where our fear, where our anger is going to take us, and so we try and control it and I would say that doesn't work very well.

Vai Kumar: 18:55

Yeah. So in order that we don't linger and stay in that space, I guess we just have to. It's okay for us to process it and would say, taking a walk out in the nature. Would that be a way that Anne-Marie would process her sadness or fear?

AnnMarie Chereso: 19:17

Yes, yeah, okay, so really practical things. For me, walking is very cathartic. I just came back from a pickleball lesson and I was like, oh, this is a good way for me to get out my frustration. I'm like whacking the ball all over the place and I was, and I this is kind of a new thing for me because I haven't been doing it for very long and I was like, wow, I forgot how athletics and sports can be a really good outlet for me to non-verbally move my emotions and feelings that I'm not attending to. So, yes, sports, walking, being active, actually crying, having your morning practices, maybe like 10 minutes of you know morning tears of a former coach of mine used to practice crying every day. So, whatever it is for you art, painting, listening to music, dancing you know emotions, I'm going to say it again, energies in motion and on the body. It's a somatic experience. So we want to get in the body and let the body move to be expressed.

Vai Kumar: 20:28

Okay, perfect. How would you suggest people tune into their you know inner intelligence? Because we are talking about what are these low frequency vibrations and we are trying to kind of address it in a way that we would channel it as, or translate it into music, or rather move it from a place of low frequency to a state where you have processed it and you can translate it into a high frequency vibration. So would you just walk us through how someone can tune into their inner intelligence?

AnnMarie Chereso: 21:10

Anne-Marie yes, I have a whole workshop where I teach this. It's called whole body intelligence and I teach that we have three centers of intelligence. We have BQ body sensations EQ, emotional intelligence and IQ our cognitive intelligence. So body intelligence, emotional intelligence, cognitive intelligence. Most of us focus on cognitive intelligence. I feel sad, I feel angry. We use our head and then we make up stories and thoughts and reasons why. And you know, we get on the whole cognitive emotive loop, which I call it, and we get lost in the thinking about feelings. It's the way 99% of us live. Thinking about feelings. It's the way 99% of us live.

AnnMarie Chereso: 22:01

So what I help people learn is how to check in with all three centers of intelligence. Get into your body sensations, notice what those are, pay attention to your emotions and feelings those five core emotions I mentioned and then just notice one thought. We think 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts a day. Just pick one, and then you're going to gain a lot of awareness about how you run, how you run your feelings, your emotions and your thoughts. And then, once you're able to see that picture more clearly, you start to get red lights and green lights. So we want to pay attention to all green lights. Green lights mean I'm connected to a higher intelligence, and then red lights are I am down in my ego space. When I'm down in my ego and those lower frequencies, I'm in a place of control. When I have green lights, I'm in surrendered state. So. So I teach the check-in, the whole body intelligence check-in process, where you're checking all three of those centers of intelligence to connect to that higher intelligence.

Vai Kumar: 23:01

Okay, Okay, Fantastic. Would each person in the process of discovering themselves also kind of identify a tool that's in their favor, that's to their benefit? Say for me I have noticed that whenever, you know, I'm just so down and I really, you know, have to translate into a positive vibration state, into a higher vibration state, I just go look at myself in the mirror and smile. It has done wonders for me.

AnnMarie Chereso: 23:40

I love that Bai. I love that.

Vai Kumar: 23:42

Even on my very, very bad days, if I'm just not feeling well, if I'm not in a place where I'm able to process something in a place where I'm able to process something.

Vai Kumar: 23:55

Over the years I've learned that when I do that, I am just in a whole new place. I would have probably been bedridden 10 minutes ago and then, whenever I would go do that, I would just be probably fixing meals for 10 more people in the house that might even walk into my house. So that's kind of the transformation. So does each person need to identify something like that for themselves? Would you have you in your workshops? You know seeing that side to it helping people? You already told us several aspects like okay, like pickleball, you have been able to channel your frustration, anger, maybe even disappointments, right, but so does this also, in the process, mean someone kind of tuning into themselves and they are going to discover more passion areas?

AnnMarie Chereso: 25:03

if you will. I love this part and I love how you're pointing people to finding their own thing, because we are unique beings and we're so conditioned to look to others for the answers. And what you're talking about is like how can each everyone here listening and you and I honor our own individuality and find what works best for us? And so we're here to give clues and guidance and suggestions, but ultimately, when we're all connected to our higher intelligence, we find that thing that's right for us. So I love that you look in the mirror every day.

AnnMarie Chereso: 25:38

I've started a practice recently doing something very similar. There's also another one where it's a heart coherence practice that I often drop into and it works well for me because I'm a thinker Like I think, think, think, think, think. Like I'm in my head so much. So I have to find practices that drop me into my body and get me out of my thinking brain. So this practice is a practice where I call to mind something that reliably brings me joy, and it doesn't have to be a big deal. It's not like a first-class trip to Europe or something For me, it's like my dog. When I see my dog lying on her back with her paws up in the air and her tongue hanging out. I giggle so hard. You just did it too.

AnnMarie Chereso: 26:34

Every single night my husband and I are sitting on the sofa watching a show where I'm like, look at the dog, look at how cute she is, you know, and for some reason it just lights me up and brings me so much joy.

AnnMarie Chereso: 26:42

So when I'm feeling like you're mentioning you mentioned earlier, like glum or down, or you know, in a place of struggle, I just call to mind a little dog with her paws up in the air and that funny thing that brings me so much joy. And then I sit with it for a good three minutes and I literally I'm a meditator, so I breathe into it. I imagine my heart opening. So even in your practice, when you're saying what you're saying to yourself in the mirror, if you're looking at that and simultaneously imagining your heart expanding, you're increasing the vibration, because our hearts are infinite. They can, you know, they're just energy. So that's one of the things I do call to mind, something that really brings me a lot of joy. Or find a funny, you know, find funny cat videos or baby videos, like those things instantly, you know, raise my vibration.

Vai Kumar: 27:45

And I think it brings a lot of people joy, not just you and me. So that's kind of a tool that people can resort to, right? Yes, what about judgmental, being judgmental, so non-judgmental? I guess we can't finish the podcast any day without talking about, you know, people worrying about somebody judging them, or you know how much is being non-judgmental the need of the hour in terms of you know where lost friends due to how they are processing their emotions. You know there has just been so much that has happened over the past few weeks and several months, and even in, you know, like any situation that people come across in their workplace, in their day to day life, even in familial relationships, right? So what is your take on?

AnnMarie Chereso: 29:04

Yes, Well, I'm just gonna raise the flag and tell you like I'm one of the most judgmental people I've ever met and it's taken me a lifetime to get into right relationship with my judgment, so for a long time, like it's impossible to be human and not have judgments. So I want to start that off like for anyone listening for anyone listening.

Vai Kumar: 29:28

So that's okay, that's okay. Don't feel out of place that you are judging somebody, because I think it's a process and it's a goal. I mean, somebody asked me I think, not this new year, but the year before that, January 1st what is your resolution? I said, well, I just try to be as humble as I can. That's always the goal every single year and I'm working towards it. I'm not a perfect person, but I said, well, I'm just trying to be more accepting and not judge people. So that's again a process, it's a work in progress. So that's kind of how I put it.

AnnMarie Chereso: 30:07

So I couldn't say it any better. It's a total work in process for me, for my process. I agree with you Try and be humble, try and be in acceptance, all of those things. Often when we say I want to try to be something, we're already setting ourselves up for a little bit of a fail, because trying means I might not, because trying means I might not. So right there, for anyone who's listening, I would just say set the intention that I am more accepting this year, I'm more accepting this year, I'm more humble this year. So really saying it in the affirmative really helps.

AnnMarie Chereso: 30:49

The second thing and the thing that on my journey, like I said, I'm a judgmental person. For years I was in resistance to my judgments, so I had a really bad relationship with my own judgments. I was judging my judgments. You're so bad, what's wrong with you? Why are you thinking that, until I got into a more friendly relationship with myself, I'm like, oh honey, you're just being a human being. Those thoughts are just arriving and you get to choose how you want to be in relationship to those judgments.

AnnMarie Chereso: 31:22

And so a new game I play is every time I notice a judgment because awareness is always the key to everything. When I notice a judgment, I just ask how is that true? Is that true? I wonder if that's true. And so I try and get curious about the judgment, and not in the sense of like spiritually bypassing it or denying it, but really going is that true? Is that person really rude, or is that person mean, or whatever the judgment that I'm being confronted with, how is it true? How is it true, maybe? How is it true about me? Sometimes, maybe it's a projection, right, often judgments are projections. So I think playing with our judgments and it really helps us to get to know ourselves better when we're paying attention to the things that we're thinking and getting into friendly relationship to them. You know, a lot of my work is around not resisting the resistance. So when resistance arises, just you know it's just accepting it.

Vai Kumar: 32:27

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. That's beautifully said. What about the need to say pause and reflect? Is that part of how you would process, say any thought that comes into you, or any emotion, any feelings that crop crop up, not just being judgmental or non-judgmental, trying to or or I am, I am is the more powerful mantra that you have given us now. Uh, what about the need to say pause and reflect and understand where each person is coming from, or even with your own self? The need to pause, reflect and understand. That's so powerful.

AnnMarie Chereso: 33:18

Yeah, I'm thinking about it full circle, because what you said at the beginning of our conversation about being in conversation with others, the single most important thing, and in this political climate, right now more than ever, it's been very difficult for us to pause and reflect because, you know, our heads are blown by so many of the decisions and choices that are being made and we're feeling so threatened. And how could they even think that women shouldn't have rights around their body, or how could they even think this, or you know? So we get immediately defended, completely defended. But when you suggest pausing, I think it's really beautiful, because once we get to pause, how could they think that? Right, you know, you're enraged.

AnnMarie Chereso: 34:04

There's there again that anger is behind the energy, behind that thought and that judgment. But then, when you let that move through you? Oh, because most judgments, almost all judgments, come from fear. So then we let that fear move through us and then we get to curiosity. How could they think that? I wonder why they think that. So now we could turn our judgment into a genuine curiosity, which then creates connection, and only in that space are we able to come together and learn more about each other, because I see all sorts of scenarios for understanding when I'm in a curious place and I'm truly open and available to listening to someone else's point of view how they get to their thinking. They make perfect sense to me, even if it's not aligned with my thinking.

Vai Kumar: 34:58

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah, somewhere I think yeah, and I guess yeah. We all need to think that we can walk together, right, not just think that we can walk together, but again kind of find a roadmap to how we can walk together.

AnnMarie Chereso: 35:21

Yes, I love that. Vi the roadmap of how we can walk together.

Vai Kumar: 35:28

So well. I guess that that's a perfect title for this episode. So we talked about the low frequency vibrations and the high frequency vibrations right. Somewhere there's the element of positivity shift in what you mentioned. So what role does positivity play in all of our lives, Anne-Marie, in terms of every situation that we deal with, there's a positive side to it, there's a negative side to it. We can choose to be on which side we want, in terms of even our own personal things how we think, how we frame a sentence, how we write a sentence, how I come across to you. Even when I speak, I can choose the route of being blunt, phrasing certain things a certain way, versus just phrasing it a slightly different way. That way, I sound more positive. So how is that internally influencing all the energy that we channel, how it moves through, and also in role modeling, right, how we raise our children?

AnnMarie Chereso: 36:46

Yeah, and how we raise each other. I like this example I think about if you take a moment for everyone listening in and think about the person in your life when you enter the room and you're immediately excited and happy to see them and you're like, and they have like all this energy and you kind of get swept up in them, right, and you immediately feel differently when you're in their presence. And then there's someone in your life, if you pause and think about it, who you get into their space and they kind of bring you down a little bit and you're like, oh, I don't really want to spend time with that person and and you kind of get a little more contracted around them. So this is what you and I are talking about in terms of energy and frequency. So one would be the positive, one would be the negative.

AnnMarie Chereso: 37:38

In the way we define it, these are polarities and, like you said, with free will we get to choose where we want to go. Sometimes that's easier than others. Like you said, sometimes you have really hard down days and then you have to actually work to get yourself up again, to lift yourself up. You have to lift yourself up and so, yeah, I kind of got lost for a minute there, vi, what was your specific question? Because that just started flowing out of me and now I forget where I was headed.

Vai Kumar: 38:12

Well, the role of positivity in how we just you know, how do we model?

AnnMarie Chereso: 38:20

that for our kids? Yeah, well, again, what I've learned and this might this might not be true for everyone, but it's been true for me and for many people I work with we went through this whole period of time in positive psychology where it was just change your mind, change your mind and it works. But it works like a Band-Aid on a really bloody hand, like I'm stopping the bleeding, but it needs stitches right, we need more repair. So I just oh you know, I'm doing with my community right now a 21 day gratitude challenge, because what I've learned is that overcoming these negativity biases is like building a muscle. So we need to invest in ourselves every day and actually build that muscle of positivity every day, which means I'm going to acknowledge the negative thought, I'm going to acknowledge the negative feeling, I'm not going to resist it, I'm not going to push it away, I'm not going to judge it, I'm going to fully accept it and allow it to be here.

AnnMarie Chereso: 39:26

Oh, embrace it, embrace it, allow it to be here. Oh, embrace it, right, embrace it, which is so hard to do, because when you're feeling crummy, the last thing you want to do is go great, come on more crummy. Right, we're afraid if we embrace it it's going to get bigger. But it's actually the opposite when we embrace it, it actually starts to diminish. Then what we do, you know you can't just say, oh, stop it, feel better. You actually have to, like break it down piece by piece, like coming over. Okay, I see you're grumpy, I see you're upset, I see this inside yourself, right For yourself. And then you start to shift, um, to a more to positive thoughts around that. So for every negative thought, you think three positive thoughts.

AnnMarie Chereso: 40:15

So I just worked with a client who's just out of a relationship and pretty distraught about it, and they're like I can't believe and I lost this. And I said well, what if you won something? So the new mantra is I won. And then now, look for reasons, look for the truth. Not don't make things up, but what did you win? What did you gain? Look for that. And so, bit by bit, you start to build the bricks of the positivity. And so energy goes or attention attention goes where energy flows where attention goes, energy goes, or attention attention goes where energy flows where attention goes. So if we keep our attention on the positive, not just by bypassing and ignoring the negative, but just make sure we're giving as much real estate to the positive, then we're building that muscle and we're able to get into that vibration a little bit more easily.

AnnMarie Chereso: 41:06

But I really, I really, I really feel strongly about emphasizing like this is not about ignoring the negative, because in my experience what happens is when people you know the expression put lipstick on a pig, like if you're just being positive all the time but ignoring and shoving down all the other things, um it, they eventually come. Kind of it's like shaking a can of soda and then it all explodes eventually.

Vai Kumar: 41:32

Oh yes, oh yes, so there's no need to camouflage anything and just Exactly, yeah, embrace it. So yeah, I guess, from what you have said, looking at us dealing with situations how we, you know, process it Again like it's almost like a role model thing that our children take cues from us and they start to behave that way.

AnnMarie Chereso: 41:57

Yes, correct, our children entrain with us. They energetically entrain with us. So that example I gave earlier about going into the room with the person who you love being around and the person who you don't so much Energetically we're all connected and when our children don't do what we do they don't do what we say, they do what we do. Energetically they're in training with us. So their nervous systems are connected to our nervous systems. So when we're smiling and then we're feeling really anxious and upset, they're actually feeling the anxious and upset, and then they're confused because what they see on the outside doesn't match what they're feeling. So then they grow up to be confused because they don't understand that there's a disconnect.

AnnMarie Chereso: 42:53

So if we're honest with ourselves and our kids, so I grew up in a family system where my parents were very careful, out of love right Out of complete love not to show anger or sadness or you know we don't not to be disruptive in front of the children. But what that renders is children who'd grow up not necessarily knowing how to navigate those things. So one of the things I learned when I was going through my divorce was it's okay for your kids to see you being sad, right, that's a gift. So when we model ourselves authentically positively and quote unquote negatively I wouldn't call sadness negative, but I understand why we do Then our children get really beautiful mirrors for what's happening for them and they have permission, which is what they need to be fully expressed.

Vai Kumar: 43:57

So life lessons there? What about? I guess we have talked so much about all these emotions, how we process them. We all look up to our teachers in school. We all look up to our teachers. So, likewise in the workplace, leaders have to role model correct, and that's so important, yeah, and everywhere you know, leader in every walk of life has to role model right. So how do you think people should? Is there any difference between how one would do things at home versus how one would do things outside, you know? So, basically, I guess it's the same energy, same energy that we are channeling with the people that are around us every single day, right? Yes, don't you think?

AnnMarie Chereso: 44:49

I think so. I have a good story about that, vi. So when my youngest was in the eighth grade, she had a really phenomenal teacher and you know I value teachers so much as I know you do and my daughter was struggling academically, socially, all the things, and this teacher was hard on her, but in all the best ways and I knew she was so for my daughter right. I knew she was an advocate and I met with her and have a parent teacher conference and I had, you know, my heart was so open to her and my daughter was afraid of her because she was like a really tough teacher and she wasn't performing academically well in the class in terms of the way traditionally grade students. I think it was fine, but you know what I'm saying. Long story short, I sat and asked the teacher some really raw questions and I asked her opinions about some things and the teacher was very honest with me and I got really emotional. I could feel my heart opening, literally. Like for any of you listening in, like the, you can feel your heart opening. I'm sure, vi, you've had this experience and it's literally like you know, you, I don't even know how to describe it Like your chest is starting to open and it's really raw and I could feel tears coming and I could hear myself thinking the thought you are in a parent teacher conference, you do not do this, do not cry, do not cry.

AnnMarie Chereso: 46:14

And then I did my practices and I was like, no, I am here to show up authentically. And, of course, um, and I could, and what my emotion was coming from was gratitude. I was feeling gratitude. By the way, you guys, gratitude can also be experienced as uncomfortable, like because we're not used to what true gratitude feels like it's your heart breaking open. So I was in this emotive state Tears were flowing, I was still and quiet, and all the teacher across the way was getting really uncomfortable right, because we don't know how to be with one another's vulnerability and she was worried that I was upset and so she's like, no, no, it's okay, you know.

AnnMarie Chereso: 46:57

She started getting all anxious and I just kind of let my emotion move through. I knew it was going to take about 90 seconds and and then I just paused her and I said, no, I just want you to know how grateful I am and how much appreciation I have for who you are in my daughter's life and and she was just so uncomfortable with it, but to the point you're making is like, as leaders, as teachers, as educators, as leaders in the workplace, modeling, holding space for one another, modeling, expressing ourselves authentically as our emotions are arising, oh, and being safe in those spaces is so significantly important and it is not something we know how to do in this country. I don't know where, what country. We do know how to do it, but not in this country.

Vai Kumar: 47:44

Well, I guess things have to change. That's when people are going to have like a really true sense of the term. Happy Thanksgiving, right. So, because some people are happy and the ones that are happy, they cannot just go, they need to be empathetic, can't go rub it in on others. You know that are probably feeling different set of emotions. So that is where this whole idea of coexistence, accepting one another, that way we can chalk a new and brighter path forward, right? So that's really, really, really. You know, unifying has to, has to be the theme.

Vai Kumar: 48:27

Again, you know, like, like you said, embrace all the emotions that you feel but channel your energy to transfer from the low vibration state to the higher vibration state. So when you don't see eye to eye with someone, how do you, how do you deal with it? Say, people obviously are on different sides on issues, right? So obviously you know it's shying away from the situation, the right approach, or how do you? That way you're not reacting, perhaps, or how best can one deal with it? Obviously, when you're sitting down at a table, you really can't walk away. So what would you do?

AnnMarie Chereso: 49:16

This month I invited my subscribers and my followers to do something called an align and activate authentic gratitude challenge, because I was preparing people for Thanksgiving and the holiday season ahead and we're going to be sitting at tables with people that we don't agree with, and how do we prepare ourselves in advance for that? So one thing I do buy is in advance. Right, I know there's going to be certain people that trigger me, that have different opinions, and how can I be in a space of love? And I have a practice where you bring that person to mine every day for 21 days. Now I know this sounds like a big investment, but it's like when you're driving in the car or when you're standing in the grocery line or when you're brushing your teeth, bring that person to mind and think about one, two or three things that you really appreciate about them. You can find something. It can be very little, but you can find something. Again, that's the like red light, green light game. You're like I'm going to focus and put my energy and attention over here. So we start to get in balance because we can get really heavily weighted in the negative thinking and then that's the train we're on. We're only thinking about the negative, but if we can bring equanimity to every human being. That's one thing. Now, when you're actually sitting at the table and they're at, they're saying the thing that they're. Now, when you're actually sitting at the table and they're saying the thing that they're saying and you're like I can't believe you're saying that you're enraged. There's a couple of things I recommend we do. First, honor yourself, right? So sometimes I don't know what that looks like for you and I don't know what it looks like for every listener. That looks like for you and I don't. You know, I don't know what it looks like for every listener For me, depending on my rage one to 10 scale, if I'm on a 10, I might need to get up and leave the table for a few minutes and go, think about my dog lying on the back or, you know, use all the tools we've been talking about to shift my vibration, so I'm in a place of equanimity and presence and availability, and then come back.

AnnMarie Chereso: 51:11

Or I might just need to sit at the table and breathe with myself and again, this is back to that whole acceptance thing Like, oh honey, you're triggered right now. It's okay, I am with you, because often when we get triggered. We want to discharge the energy out at others Exactly, but this is a practice of like owning your energy, owning your reactivity. Oh, this is belongs to me. How do I want to use and be with this, right, and, and it's okay, you feel triggered, agitated, judgmental, all the things you're going to feel. It's okay.

AnnMarie Chereso: 51:46

So really just allowing that, breathing with it, pausing, like you said, pausing is probably the greatest gift we can give ourselves and others and then discerning in the moment, like what is in my best interest right now and what is in the best interest of the community. Maybe I need to leave altogether, maybe that's what I actually need to do. I'm going to get in the car and go home, I don't know. We all have to get into relationship with ourselves in such a way that we're making decisions that are fully aligned with our own best interests, and only when we're using all three centers of intelligence are we able to get those answers. It's not a one-size-fits-all, but pausing is the entry. Pausing and getting aware is the entry, is the entry.

Vai Kumar: 52:28

Pausing and getting aware is the entry Mm-hmm. And when it comes to say so, there can be resistance, but there still needs to be acceptance, right? One, accepting your own resistance. Two, accepting the fact that someone has a different point of view and how you deal with it. Just yeah, we have given people so many tools here. Is there anything else? When it comes to say, given your meditative side and all of that, would you suggest a quick breathing technique for folks to incorporate in their daily lives in terms of how they process their emotions and how it can help transform their state? Again, we have talked so much about low frequency to high frequency.

AnnMarie Chereso: 53:17

One of the things that I do. I just want to remind people that we came into this life with our breath and we leave this life with our breath, and it is the most ignored thing in our whole system. We pay attention to everything, but we don't actually pay attention to our breath. So my first invitation is as much as you can throughout your days, start paying attention. Is my breath coming from my chest or my belly? Am I breathing slow? Just in your normal course of your day, our breath should be very deep and slow. Right, most of us are breathing like this most of the day because we're like wait, oh my God, get out of bed. I got to hurry up, I'm late, I've got to brush my teeth. We're like the Energizer Bunny. So we really have to start playing with our breath.

AnnMarie Chereso: 54:09

In those cases that you're talking about, when you're really triggered, what can I do in that moment is use your breath. Now, one breath that is beautiful to use that really helps me is a deep belly inhale. So you pause, take a deep breath in, filling your belly like a giant balloon on the inhale, filling it up as much as you can, pausing and then exhaling all that air out. So it's like to the count of four to six and then the exhale should be longer than the inhale. If you just do that, once you interrupt the nervous system reactivity and it's like restarting the car from that thing. You might want to do that three or four times that. No one has to see you doing that, no one you know like. You can do that at any time, anywhere, any space in breath for out breath. Six.

Vai Kumar: 55:06

Okay, so great tip right there. I guess, if you probably do that like three, four times right there, we have reached our 60 to 90 second that we all typically take to process an emotion, right? So at least it helps us in avoiding a backlash or like a very, very bad scenario that we would probably do when we are in a reactive state, exactly so I guess I meant to ask you what does Anne-Marie do on a daily basis to overcome all these, but you have given several real-life scenarios and examples. Is there anything else that you would like to add here? And what about all your programs and all the great stuff that's coming up? So the forum is yours, anne-marie.

AnnMarie Chereso: 56:00

Oh gosh. Well, I did give you most of the things that I do, many of the things that I do, and I think we all need a lot of tools in our arsenal, in our tool belt. So, and and and the find the ones that work for you. So that's my greatest suggestion for me personally, for the way I work in the world my morning practices where I'm meditating, doing my breathing, all of my morning, my morning routine, is my foundation for being able to use all those tools throughout the day. So for me, just having those tools without a strong foundation is not super effective.

AnnMarie Chereso: 56:39

So I I highly recommend carving out five, 10, 20 minutes, two hours, whatever you have in your schedule, to ground in whatever way feels best for you. That's my first thing. And then you have those tools like oh, here, here, here. It's like we don't go to the gym for 10 minutes and then, all of a sudden, we have muscles and we're healthy. Um, that's my that. That. That would be my biggest takeaway and the hardest thing, because our lives are so busy, how do we prioritize these things? In my experience, it has saved me hours of time and you know, no drama, less conflict, less energy leaks. I'm not spending my time spinning my wheels, frustrated because I have grounded myself in my day.

Vai Kumar: 57:27

And so, yeah, I guess all the fear, the anxiety, everything, yeah, I guess we never use the word anxiety in this conversation, but all the fear, all the anxiety, all the uncertainty can result in drama and you have given folks enough tools to get over that. So fascinating conversation. So what programs do you have coming up and how can people take advantage of that? You know you want to share your share, your website, your social handle, any such. You know you're welcome to.

AnnMarie Chereso: 57:59

Thank you. I have a bunch of things coming up. I teach something called the whole body. Yes, it's a workshop I teach. It's a 90 minute workshop that's coming up in December. I teach it a few times a month. So, um, that's one thing. And I have an online course called drop the drama, and it, um is a course. That is a self-guided online eight week course supporting people in moving through the reactivity in a way that supports connection rather than disconnection in their life and relationships. So that's also available.

AnnMarie Chereso: 58:34

And I have a free resource called the check-in process and I'll give you all these links and you can put them in the show notes for your guests. But annemariechiresome is my website and all the goodies are found there, and I'm also on Instagram.

Vai Kumar: 58:45

Okay, awesome, awesome. So thank you so much, anne-marie, for a fascinating conversation. I guess we started with how we process and, perhaps you know, try and overcome emotions, but I think we we pause, reflected on it, tried to embrace it and we offered listeners, I believe, tools to kind of up their arsenal in terms of how they deal with everyday situations and, more so, how people can coexist and shock a brighter path forward. Rate the podcast, leave a review from your podcast app of choice. Follow me on Instagram and YouTube @vaipk umar, for all things digital media and lifestyle. Until next time, with yet another interesting guest and yet another interesting topic. It's me, Vai, along with Anne-Marie, saying so long.

AnnMarie Chereso: 59:45

Bye. Thank you, vai, it was such a delight to be with you.

Vai Kumar: 59:49

Well, thank you, thank you, Bye. It was such a delight to be with you. Well, thank you, thank you.